Alex  0:00  
Yeah, so the AM a bit of the podcast is the bit before the ads. 

Andrew  0:03  
Okay. 

Alex  0:04  
And the PM bit of the podcast is the bit after the ads. 

Andrew  0:07  
So we're just about the end of the morning. 

Alex  0:09  
Yeah, that's right. We just divide it into the morning and then we'll have an hour break and then we'll do the afternoon bit.

Alex  0:18  
Andrew.

Andrew  0:19  
What is this? 

Alex  0:20  
This is brains on the outside the UK premium business podcast, guys. 

Andrew  0:26  
Excellent. We are bringing you extra ordinary ideas to make our ordinary lives way more exciting. 

Alex  0:33  
Fabulous. We've had some feedback that we should make this bit a lot shorter. So we have Should we just get on with it? 

Andrew  0:38  
I think you can have the floor Alex. 

Alex  0:42  
Andrew, let me take you to a cafe in Skegness. A man orders a full English breakfast. The whole shebang, sausages, bacon, mushrooms hashbrowns black pudding, no beans, because he's not a fucking animal. 

Andrew  0:57  
Exactly. 

Alex  0:59  
He gets tea from a giant urn in the back that's been brewing since like maybe last Thursday. 10 minutes later, his order comes out of the kitchen and Gladys who's only been there a couple of weeks picks it up. She walks to the man's table but just inches mere inches from my destination. She slips on an actual banana skin. 

Alex  1:24  
She throws the entire breakfast into the air. Plates deliver hands, sausages, mushrooms, eggs, everything into the air, the whole lot. Silence across the whole cafe. Everyone looks up to deep, sharp breath. A millennial eating Calgary. They're not all avocado types. Expertly start recording a tick tock on their phone without even looking actually done. breakfast items fill the air Gladys. 

Alex  2:03  
Meanwhile, she's Bruce Lee backflip DESA. With a look of pure detail determination on our face, the man's now empty plate in her hands. She closes her eyes a picture of pure serenity, and she catches every single breakfast item. Back on the plate. She places down upon the table. The man glances down and the food is arranged in an achingly beautiful rendition of his face. Tick tock goes viral. The cafe is swamped for years to come. 

Andrew  2:46  
Beautiful. 

Alex  2:48  
The magic of this is business miracles. We will take your cafe, restaurant shop anything we will make a true miracle happen. 

Andrew  3:05  
Wow 

Alex  3:05  
in that space. 

Andrew  3:09  
Yeah, yeah, I'm with you, with you here with me. 

Alex  3:14  
I have another another business miracle for you. 

Andrew  3:17  
I want to hear more. Yeah, definitely. 

Alex  3:20  
So I take you to a milliner in Venice. Yeah, 

Andrew  3:24  
a milliner?

Alex  3:25  
a hat shop.

Andrew  3:29  
This was very educational as well - a milliner

Alex  3:32  
A young woman is choosing a hat for her wife. She's gonna meet a life just outside a cafe on the bustling street outside. The Hats are beautiful, and the shop is deserted, no one wants to buy these fancy hats. Suddenly the commotion outside the woman turns to look at chosen chapeau in-hand somehow, a gondola has leapt from the canal at speed and is barreling across the square outside. People are scattered in every direction. at incredible speed it's careening across the market seems to be somewhat clinging to the front of the gondola. 

Alex  4:19  
Christ, the shopkeepers the shoppers wife the postal ploughing forward at speed, but suddenly the anchor catches on a stone bollard and it comes to an abrupt stop. momentum carries his passenger off the front of the boat through the air. She's flying towards the middle in his shop and will crash through the glass in the window. 

Alex  4:41  
Unless the proprietor the shop thinks fast slams the window open. The woman sails through and passed away for landing safely in a huge pile of fur hats and the back of the sharp American. She pulls us up to her feet completely unharmed and wearing the hat that her wife has chosen

Andrew  5:00  
This is incredible, so the business is. you're setting these miracles up?

Alex  5:04  
Yeah. 

Andrew  5:06  
Incredible. 

Alex  5:07  
That's it. Your business is maybe not doing very well? We are there to help. We set up a miracle we appear. Nobody even knows we're there. Alright, we make it happen. And then we disappear off into the night. 

Andrew  5:21  
That's super exciting for the business owner, but also for the people who go into their shop. I imagine being the person buying that hat. That would be mind blowing. Yeah. That's extremely extremely good. Do you imagine it's just for shops? or can, like can how big a scale can this be? 

Alex  5:41  
I mean, I think anything to be honest, I mean, you want to you want a miracle in your factory, you can make that happen. You want one of your robot arms to suddenly become sentient. 

Andrew  5:51  
We can begin the r&d 

Alex  5:53  
we can do right now and then everyone will be talking about it and be like we want to buy Ford Mondeo. So that's it. Yeah. 

Andrew  6:05  
So this is there's so many excellent things that you could do here for almost every part of your life. I love the idea of being at a restaurant, I love her doing the back flip and picking everything up but I would like, especially the customer being there and seeing like a famously grumpy food critic brought our plate of ratatouille and be whiplashed back 

Alex  6:29  
exactly

Andrew  6:30  
to the past. seeing that in real time. Incredible. I would love that. Yeah. I imagine going into a museum , and you 're like theres nothing exciting in this museum, and an actual explorer comes in with the new stuff, with the new exhibit in real time. Yeah, pieces of snow on him, Oh, still got his pickaxes 

Alex  6:51  
got frosty eyelashes 

Andrew  6:53  
all the sleigh dogs, the whole crew crew. This is a unique experiences or experience you think are unique and are guaranteed to go viral on Tik Tok. 

Alex  7:04  
They're always unique. We always do wear always bespoke every single time. All right, that's what you pay for. 

Andrew  7:09  
Oh, so the second cafe in Skegness would be that we will repeat this and they're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no,

Alex  7:16  
no. You don't do we never repeat. You never do. too. Yeah. That's that's that that? Yeah. So business miracle there you go, idea one in the can.

Andrew  7:27  
So Alex, I began really into cooking recently. 

Alex  7:29  
Oh, yeah. Lovely. 

Andrew  7:30  
And I find a really joyful bit is when you're baking a cake. It's actually getting your finger and cleaning out the bowl, getting all the leftover bits, 

Alex  7:40  
everybody, everybody loves that.

Andrew  7:41  
Everybody loves that. So I actually found a wonderful new cookbook that's designed just to get you the bits are left in the bowl. They are sponsoring our episode today. So there's a, my favourite recipe is making like - you make a cake. With all the cake stuffing, you put the cake in the tin. Yeah. And then you throw that away right in the bin. 

Alex  8:05  
just tip it out, 

Andrew  8:06  
right out. And you're left with just this amazing, amazing leftovers just the bit of the bowl you can clean out your finger. It's incredible. 

Alex  8:16  
That is decadent. That's truly decadent. Now is there a difference between the stuff that you throw away which is identical to the stuff on the inside of the bowl? And the stuff on the inside of the bowl? 

Andrew  8:26  
It's purely psychological but it does work. You can taste it, it is real decadence.

Alex  8:31  
I mean that's that's what the flavour is everything right it's part it's like not just the taste 

Andrew  8:36  
its the whole experience. Yeah, they do different types for icing as well and gravy if you're into that, you know 

Alex  8:44  
gravy at the bottom of the bowl pasta sauce at the bottom of the bowl. Oh amazing 

Andrew  8:47  
that that was my favourite savoury dish sweet 

Alex  8:50  
yeah perfect what's the name of this

Andrew  8:53  
 dont do this to me man. I don't have a name for it. let's let's move on to our next thing. The reader mail segment. would you like to introduce our email from our dedicated listener mo?

Alex  9:23  
Oh god, okay, cool Ah, right, read the mail. So, my lovely friend Mo has sent us some some reader mail is actually sent a bunch of ideas. 

Andrew  9:41  
So, so many this will be multiple episodes. 

Alex  9:44  
Yeah, and I think we should definitely spread that across multiple episodes, but let's just be in a few of them. 

Andrew  9:49  
Yeah, I want to highlight the self help, which is a way well, this is a problem I face a lot, having to rely on other people for my seaweed. He proposes a business called Self Kelp, which will teach you ways of sourcing seaweed for yourself.

Alex  10:06  
Nice. 

Andrew  10:07  
I like that a lot. 

Alex  10:08  
It's really good. I'm a massive fan of go for chauffeur. I'm just gonna read out. No more worrying about sending your burrowing rodents and public transport luxury grade limousine staffed by a qualified background check drivers are ready and waiting to whisk your furry friends to wherever they're needed. 10 bucks off your first trip when you buy our new Beaver cleaver.

Andrew  10:32  
Its the name that get me. Gopher Chauffeur and Self Kelp

Alex  10:37  
Really good. We've had a lot of reader email actually. So it's been really joyful. I've enjoyed it. How do other people How do other people email or send their ideas, or problems in. 

Andrew  10:49  
We have a few options now. The most popular one seems to be emailing us at brainsontheoutside@gmail.com. You could tweet at us at @brainsoutside or in our Instagram as well. Brainsontheoutside. 

Alex  11:08  
Fabulous. 

Andrew  11:09  
Lots of options. Lots of options, no excuses. 

Alex  11:11  
Wonderful. Should we jump into the afternoon segment 

Andrew  11:15  
right into the pm segment? Yes, 

Alex  11:16  
sweet. Let's do that. 

Andrew  11:20  
So technology right now is advancing extremely rapidly. When I was younger, my phone has a little flip phone, tiny lil camera on it. It basically just text 

Alex  11:34  
your so fucking young. 

Andrew  11:38  
But now your phone is like a super hyper advanced computer that can do anything. It's more more intelligent than the spaceship that put us on the moon. And this advancement is only going to continue who knows what things will be like in 10 years. And as time goes on and on. We're also getting more reliant on these pieces technology we're getting more like embedded in the internet, and sharing our data and all our personal ideas our entire lives are encased up there. And as we enter into the metaverse a whole big, more birth right to the end to be catalogued up there waiting for someone to hack. 

Alex  12:21  
Oh, man 

Andrew  12:22  
 kind of scares me 

Alex  12:23  
pretty fucking stressed man 

Andrew  12:24  
like this increase in the internet and technology is being followed by a huge increase in cybersecurity problems and hacking and everything else. And it's not just being tied to the internet. It's having more computers, people can like plug things in, and steal shit that way. They can email you phishing scams and get you that way. We're just not safe. With this new this new era we're in. We're constantly connected. But the thing is, this wasn't actually always a problem. 

Andrew  12:53  
You can think like 10 years ago, when tech wasn't as advanced, there was less this happening and 10 years before that there was even less of this happening. So potentially a way to save ourselves from all these scary cybersecurity problems. It's just the wind the clock right back and take inspiration from people who could who can't get hacked. It's impossible to get a cybersecurity attack if you have no cyber at all. You can't get your.. tech can't be like infiltrated and hacked if you have no tech. 

Andrew  13:26  
So I propose, I'd like you to invest in my cybersecurity firm with no cyber, where our foundational principle and guiding light is Ludditism. Luddites get quite a bad name, but they were they were sort of revolutionaries who fought against the advancement of technology where they thought it would impact their lives negatively. And that's what we are doing. We realise the only way to be saved from a cybersecurity problem is having no reliance on the internet. We come in, we gut your company of every vector of attack for a potential hack. It's all gone. We go in, computers gone, phone's gone. And we can guarantee you a 100% reduction in cyber incidence.

Alex  14:14  
What what do you what? What are we replace it with? How does this How does this work? We come in, we take all your phones out? 

Andrew  14:20  
Yeah, they're gone. 

Alex  14:22  
Is it tin cans? And bits of string? 

Andrew  14:25  
Oh, that's pretty good. That's going to be really difficult to wire in to the normal system but again, that's an operational problem. Yeah. And I imagine theres a lot of letter writing lots of typewriters. Oh, smoke signals. 

Alex  14:41  
Can we have one of those machines that you like, that they're still have in Tescos where you put the money in the little pod and then you put it into the vacuum thing that goes 

Andrew  14:50  
Oh, yeah, yeah, there's a lot of tubes connected throughout your building. Yeah. And out into the outside world. 

Alex  14:56  
fuck we could use those like things that you have on old timey steam ships with speaking tubes and like errr Hello

Andrew  15:03  
oh my god. Yes. 

Alex  15:04  
Like the whole tube. Basically, the whole office is just going to become a really intricate series of tubes. 

Andrew  15:10  
Really intricate series of tubes, very loud like things to talk into to amplify your voice so you can talk far way. But this might sound a bit archaic, but it's really gonna help I think. 

Alex  15:24  
We got abacuses. You allowed  a calculator?

Andrew  15:29  
 yeah, yeah, but not like a fancy one or scientific calculator. It's just one of the ones with just numbers. No sin or cos or tan. I'll allow that. 

Alex  15:39  
What about square root? Square root? 

Andrew  15:42  
Yeah, if you can figure out how to do it, with divisions and stuff. Now our company will allow that.

Alex  15:47  
Okay. Okay, I see no problems with this whatsoever as we're an IT consultancy?

Andrew  15:54  
I was thinking this is actually good. So I was kind of hoping maybe our cybersecurity firm could take some inspiration from this. I could see how some businesses might be reluctant. But I think once they see our results, they'll be very, very pleased.

Alex  16:09  
 Could we also take for things like emails, like businesses need emails? Yeah, we got no computers, right. So will we gather your emails, print them out and post them? 

Andrew  16:20  
Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Actually, we act as a buffer. Yeah. Between you and the outside world? 

Alex  16:26  
Yeah. 

Andrew  16:26  
Things get sent to our like reception. 

Alex  16:28  
Yeah. 

Andrew  16:29  
We just print them out. Or like get posted to you. 

Alex  16:33  
Yeah. 

Andrew  16:35  
We will take all the cyber hacking risk off your hands. And then just filter all the good stuff back to you. Yeah. 

Alex  16:43  
Nice. So for your social media, we're looking at like other people's Instagrams. And we just paint a picture of their Instagram.

Andrew  16:51  
Yeah. We have we have expert oil painters, just churning out really beautiful canvases of the latest tic toc, latest Instagram. All the memes are coming through you. You don't know about memes anymore. So you're getting that sort of filtered through the medium of oil paints. Yes.

Alex  17:12  
I felt like a slow life as well, which I'm kind of on board with, like it's a slowing down of life in general. 

Andrew  17:17  
Yeah, you know, modern business is so, so fast paced, but we're trying to take a breather. Be happy and just slow down. And getting rid of all the  computers might help.

Alex  17:32  
 Great. That was that was a really good show. I felt like 

Andrew  17:35  
I thought that was a really great one. Yeah, nice and polished, nice and tight. Real punchy, 

Alex  17:40  
Punchy. Short, sharp to the point. Yeah, thats good. Let's wrap this up. How can people contact the show? 

Andrew  17:46  
We have three options. There's our email, which is brainsontheoutside@gmail.com 

Alex  17:52  
we've got Instagram, which is brainsontheoutside. 

Andrew  17:55  
And there is our Twitter, which is brainsoutside

Alex  17:59  
that felt real professional. 

Andrew  18:00  
I think were getting.. we are professional podcasters. 

Alex  18:02  
Now I believe we might be this is episode six. Keep your brain on the outside. 

Andrew  18:08  
Keep your brains on the outside

Transcribed by https://otter.ai